Thanks for writing that, Dan! Who we play with, what we play, and how we play it has a surprisingly large psychological footprint. The Indie scene (in so far as such a thing even exists) goes through phases and changes like anything else. I remember when there was a big “rules as written” push, and everybody started playing Moldvay D&D. I don’t think I ever quite moved on from that phase.
Heh, you already know how I feel about the TTRPG "community", but it's really cool that you wrote an article that gives some insight into your psychological response to it. I feel like your thought patterns and struggles with isolation are very similar to what I've dealt with (and deal with), especially related to design shit. I definitely feel you as far as the emotional investment of convincing people and "selling oneself". The worst part of the TTRPG scene (and, I guess, TTRPGs as a hobby in general) is that everything comes down to buy-in, and cultivating that, and cajoling people. Many times as a designer, you're dealing with potential players who can't or won't openly describe the things they want to see in a game even.
For me personally, I also feel frustration about a public design ethos that feels hostile to work I want to make. It all adds up to a hugely frustrating experience that I mostly just do out of compulsion, or because it brings me "good" stimulation slightly more than it brings me into the negative.
The mindfulness stuff you mentioned kind of resonates with me. I haven't done DBT, but have been in EMDR treatment, which is similar in its angle of trying to focus on physical stimuli. It's helped with some of the anger, though very little with the self-destructive negative feelings.
Anyway, great article. I should take a minute to point out, once again, that I really liked your old podcasts of FHOASA. Finding AP content like that (or JankCast, or anything where people have real buy-in beyond, like fandom shit) is pretty difficult these days. I wish more people were into it.
Thanks for writing that, Dan! Who we play with, what we play, and how we play it has a surprisingly large psychological footprint. The Indie scene (in so far as such a thing even exists) goes through phases and changes like anything else. I remember when there was a big “rules as written” push, and everybody started playing Moldvay D&D. I don’t think I ever quite moved on from that phase.
Heh, you already know how I feel about the TTRPG "community", but it's really cool that you wrote an article that gives some insight into your psychological response to it. I feel like your thought patterns and struggles with isolation are very similar to what I've dealt with (and deal with), especially related to design shit. I definitely feel you as far as the emotional investment of convincing people and "selling oneself". The worst part of the TTRPG scene (and, I guess, TTRPGs as a hobby in general) is that everything comes down to buy-in, and cultivating that, and cajoling people. Many times as a designer, you're dealing with potential players who can't or won't openly describe the things they want to see in a game even.
For me personally, I also feel frustration about a public design ethos that feels hostile to work I want to make. It all adds up to a hugely frustrating experience that I mostly just do out of compulsion, or because it brings me "good" stimulation slightly more than it brings me into the negative.
The mindfulness stuff you mentioned kind of resonates with me. I haven't done DBT, but have been in EMDR treatment, which is similar in its angle of trying to focus on physical stimuli. It's helped with some of the anger, though very little with the self-destructive negative feelings.
Anyway, great article. I should take a minute to point out, once again, that I really liked your old podcasts of FHOASA. Finding AP content like that (or JankCast, or anything where people have real buy-in beyond, like fandom shit) is pretty difficult these days. I wish more people were into it.